Leigh Nothing Lasts For Long: September 2009

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Story of Leigh

This is the story of the end of Leigh's life told in journal entries and emails that were sent.
I put it here so it will stay safely in Cyberland, where it won't get lost.
It was very difficult to handle these pages of the story again.

I tried to put it in chronological order, but I am quite sure I failed in a few places.
I posted it all on the same night and tried to make it readable the opposite way a blog is usually read, that is the end of the blog will be the most recent part of the story.

One day I will attempt with the help of others to write about her beautiful and brave life.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Last Tuesday night Rob and Leigh sat in their new hot tub celebrating life and talking about their future. I was three hours away, in Folsom, preparing for another celebration. Wednesday was my mom’s 80th birthday.
While I shopped and lunched with Mom in Folsom, Leigh collapsed, stopped breathing, and her heart quit beating in Whitmore. Rob was with her when this happened. They were having lunch at home. I can only imagine what his next few moments were like. Thinking that she may have choked on something he cleared her airway, called 911, called Richard and yelled, “Come now,” and then began CPR. He was trained as an EMT in the Army Reserve, thank God. For the next 15 or 20 minutes, he kept oxygen going to her brain, while they waited for the paramedics. She was taken to Shasta Regional Memorial Hospital in a helicopter.

She is on life support.

When I came back to Barbie’s from shopping with Mom, she said, “ Sit down.”
I hate those words.
I said, “You are going to tell me something bad, aren’t you. Oh, no, I know you are going to tell me something bad. Oh, no. Oh no. Don’t…”
I drove back to Redding, screaming and crying all the way.
I am dying for Leigh. I love her as my own daughter. I can’t stand to see her there with all those tubes… Bless her precious, sweet heart. She is so brave and strong. She is so kind and stoic and calm and, and loving.
The feelings I have for Rob are exponentially more severe. This is my baby boy and he is frightened and hurting and crying and I can’t do anything but cry with him. I feel so helpless and impotent and useless.

September 25
Not much has changed. The doctors say to be patient, but that is a very difficult doctor’s order to follow. Her body has to heal itself, and nothing else can be done other than the antibiotics and the life support.
She opened her eyes today but her pupils are fixed and she doesn’t track, so the nurses and doctors in the ICU don’t give the event much importance, but we celebrated. We are grasping at straws, here.
When Leigh came to them she was “Moment to moment” so they let us in whenever we wanted, which was all the time. Now that they have her somewhat stabilized, they say they are going to start following the ICU rules. I have a plan to bake them my killer chocolate cake so they will like me enough to let me in whenever I come.
There is something called a coma scale. It starts at 3 and ends at 10. (I am learning so much.) Leigh came in at 3 and is now at 4 and they expect her to stay there for some time.
Rob is still beating himself up with guilt over what he thinks he didn’t do right. He says he accidentally blew barf into her lungs when he was giving her CPR. (Nurse said that is normal.) He said he stopped giving her CPR when the paramedics got there and they didn’t start it right away. He said he wanted his lunch early. (If he hadn’t been there he would have come in an hour later and found her dead.) He said he was grouchy at lunch. He just wants Wednesday back. He just wants Leigh back. He keeps whispering into her ear, “Leigh, I love you so much. Please come back to me, Sweet Baby, and I will take care of you.” It is tearing my heart out. I want to rock him like I did when he was little.
I am in awe of the power of a circle of friends. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your prayers. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.

Scan results bad.
They are saying 70% of her brain hac been damaged
They are wondering if her vessels to her brain have shut down.

MRA tomorrow.
Everything is tomorrow.
I don't think there is a tomorrow.

Rob is saying he is finding it weirdly interesting to sort of stand outside his body and watch himself unravel.

I don't know what to do.

He is such a realist. He says he knows Leigh is dead and somehow feels he is betraying her by not letting her body go.

Policy--Politics--Waiting
Waiting

The following are Rob’s Words

Thursday, September 22nd

I want to apologize for delivering this information by email. All of
you deserve a personal phone call, but I can not do that right now.
I have devastating news about my wife, Leigh Guinn.

Yesterday at noon, I was having lunch with Leigh in our living room
and while we were sitting down to eat she had a sudden, massive heart
failure. There was no warning.

I called 911 and administered CPR for 20 minutes while waiting for
the helicopter to arrive. She received two shocks with a
defibrillator, the fist administered by our volunteer fire
department, the second by the medivac paramedics. They were not able
to stabilize her prior to transport.

The nurse aboard the helicopter was able to get drugs into her system
to stabilize her heart and they provided breathing assistance with a
bag. They took her to Shasta Regional Medical Center where she was
attended by emergency room doctors and nurses. He condition did not
improve.

She was moved to the ICU at 1:45PM and hooked up to life support.
They ran a full body CT scan, MRI on her head, EKG, EEG, installed a
catheter in her heart, performed a heart endoscope, a spinal tap and
pumped her full of antibiotics and a variety of heart medicines.

Her doctors have determined that her heart is barely working, is
enlarged and is very weak. They are conjecturing that her heart may have been attacked by a virus and damaged it to the point where it will no longer function. In addition, she aspirated fluids into her longs during resuscitation and has pneumonia.

She is in a coma and the doctors are concerned that she may havebrain damage. Her doctors are characterizing her condition as moment-to-moment and grave.

Her mother is at her side, her father and brother are flying in from
Oklahoma and my family is at the hospital waiting for news. I will
be at the hospital until there is a resolution which I will share
with you all by email.

Please pray for Leigh. She is my life. Rob
--------------

Leigh's heart is enlarged and is permanently damaged. The degree of
the damage is unknown but a heart transplant may be necessary if that
option becomes available to us.

Her treatments are massive antibiotics to fight the bacteria they
found in her blood, heart medicines to increase the ejection factor of
her heart, steroids to reduce the swelling in her brain and increase
her batting average.

She is located in the ICU "Shock Room" which is center stage. It's a
large room with all the equipment for the most critical patients.
They tried to move Leigh yesterday but she complained by turning blue
so she remains right where she started when she came in 5 days ago.

She is on life support which is a combination of protocols, machines
and treatments which do all the work for her except make her heart
beat. She is on a ventilator that assists her breathing, she is being
fed by a tube in her abdomen attached to a machine that delivers light
brown pre-chewed food directly into her upper GI, she is on a bed that
inflates and deflates to keep moving her around to prevent her skin
from breaking down, she has wraps on her legs that squeeze and release
over and over to prevent blood clotting, she has a catheter to remove
waste, she is laying on a pad with coolant running through to reduce
her core temperature, IV lines to deliver medicine and fluids, a main
line in he femoral artery with a valve they use to take her blood and
has no fewer than 9 IV bags pumping a complex lifesaving cocktail into
her body around the clock for which I can't wait to see the bar bill.

I now have undeniable proof of Leigh's natural beauty; she carries
this burden so well.

Leigh's chest x-ray looks like the insides of a laptop computer. The
nurses go over the x-ray with me each night. I can always spot it
right away in the line up because hers has the belly ring with a big
star on it.

Yesterday and today, Leigh has again showed slight signs of
improvement although no 'purposeful' signs of life in her brain. She
has a cough response when they slide her suction tube down her throat
and she opens her eyes slightly when stimulated. However, her eyes do
not track and do not work together. She has another MRI scheduled on
Monday to determine if the swelling in her head has gone down and to
try and determine the amount of brain damage that has occurred. On
Monday, she has to show her neurologist that there is a trend towards
improvement.

Her heart has not improved.
----------------
I stayed by her side all night last night to help her study for the
biggest test of her life on Monday. If she passes it, then we get
more time to fight.

So, we have two hurdles to clear in the proper order. The dark,
mysterious hurdle of her higher brain functions and the surgical and
chemical hurdle of managing her damaged heart. Both of them seem
impossible to clear and they are telling me that together they
represent a Mt. Everest like obstacle.

Aren't lots of people climbing Everest these days? That's what I
heard.

Some of you have asked about me. I'm OK. I'm eating, getting at
least 4 hours sleep each day and I'm hovering over her bed announcing
changes in her temperature, heart rate and ejection factor to her
nurses. I tell everyone who comes in the room who she is and things
about her life so they will know who they are treating. I figure if
they don't leave in tears then I'm not doing my job. I've been told
that everyone in the hospital knows who is in the shock room.

Hello:

A few weeks ago, I was in San Diego CA working with a customer of ours.
It was Friday, last day of my site visit, and Leigh was flying her
airplane down from Redding CA, which is about 700 miles north of San
Diego, to pick me up. She took great pride in the fact that she was a
pilot. She had recently received her instrument rating which would allow
her to fly through the clouds with no visibility out of the cockpit, just
by looking at the gauges and instruments in her airplane.

As the day wore on, cloudy skies persisted and I began to wonder how she
would fare. Flying solo in instrument conditions is no small feat and
doing it for the first time by her self would be a significant event.

At around 3PM, I wrapped up my work and headed for the small airport that
Leigh would be flying into. When I got there, I spotted her airplane in a
tie down spot and I began looking for Leigh. I saw her walking towards me
from a few hundred feet away across the parking area. Her eyes were fixed
on me and she had the biggest smile on her face. She looked up at the
clouds and looked back at me and she radiated pride in her accomplishment.
I could tell she could not wait to tell me all about it. It was wonderful
to sit with her on the flight home and listen to her talk about what it
was like.
---------------------
In 1995, Leigh had only been together for about a year, and we were broke.
The business I had started in 1991 was struggling and Leigh and I worked
long days and long nights together for little more than hope. Since hope
did not pay well, we took the most valuable thing we had, a Toyota
mini-truck, and sold it to pay the rent that month and have some money for
other things like food.

We were very lucky in that we had help available if we hit bottom. If we
had told either of our families the true state of our affairs they would
have heaped support on us in an instant. But I have a stubborn streak and I
was not going to ask for help until we exhausted every resource available.

When I told Leigh we had to sell the truck, she said, "That's a really good
idea Bobby" and smiled at me. She didn't have the slightest bit of concern
on her face. I wondered if she understood what I was trying to tell her or
maybe she was in some state of shock or denial. I said to her, "Right about
now, you must be really thinking about what you've gotten yourself into by
marrying me". She told me that she had faith in me, knew that I would work
it out, and besides all that, she was having a really great time with me and
our dog Scarlet so it didn't really matter if we did not have a truck.

Her love for me and her belief in me made me fearless.

I also knew, at that moment, that she was too good for me. But I also knew
that she was too good for anyone else either so I might as well have her.

---------------------
Tuesday, October 11, 2005.

Leigh and I were married on June 24, 1995. It was a grand affair at this
giant resort in Scottsdale Arizona that her father put on and Leigh and her
mother and friends planned. I was informed early on that it did not have
anything to do with me; I was just supposed to show up on time and do as I
was told.

From my perspective, it all seemed like so much 'sound and fury' but all I
had to do was go with it and then I would get to come home with Leigh as my
wife. It was a lot of fun, very exciting and while being the center of
attention was not at all something I was comfortable with, standing next to
the center of attention made me feel good and proud. They say that your
wedding day is the happiest day of your life but it was not the true for us;
we had hundreds of those yet to come.

My Uncle asked me a few days ago if I remembered the song for our 'first
dance' as husband and wife and I had to admit that I could only remember the
band. I did remember thinking it was a very melancholy choice for 'our
song' but keeping to my role in our wedding, I said nothing. It was a song
by the Samples. He told me I should go back and listen to it.

Donor Corography

Something I have learned: Tears don’t just run down your face. They also go straight out and spatter your glasses with tiny pinpoint teardrops.
The organ donor swat team is here. They don’t think Leigh’s organs will be acceptable. They have perhaps been compromised by oxygen deprivation, just as her brain is. They don’t want to put sick organs into a person who is already sick. However, since we are in need for her death to be as meaningful as possible, they are proceeding as if her organs will be acceptable. Right now, the processes of matching tissue, locating recipients, lining up carriers, prepping the possible recipients, and prepping operation rooms is going on.
The choreography is amazing. There is no wonder the waiting list for people needing organs is so long. Leigh will now have to expire within an hour of the removal of life support. After that her organs will surely be of no use to anyone else. Each organ has a time frame of how soon it would have to be placed into a recipient.
Her corneas and skin will still be able to be used. We will be cutting her hair and giving it to “Locks of Love.”
Leigh still looks beautiful. How anyone could look so pretty with all of those tubes and wires, I don’t know. She looks quite peaceful.

For the last two days, Leigh has not responded to me or my voice. A nurse says she's probably blind. There will be another MRI tomorrow.I woke up this morning and for about 4 full seconds I thought everything was normal. Then it came back to me like stabbing knives and fists into the belly.
Results of the MRI show damage to much of her brain. The EEG shows little brain activity on the left side only.
Rob went shopping for her and got her some pink hightops and some socks. They have a boot that they alternate between her feet to keep her tendons from shortening. Rob thinks the tennies will be better.
I am wondering why we are concerned about her walking again. I'm losing hope, I guess.
Another neurologist has been called in.I'm thinking she was dead when she hit the floor.

The third neurosurgeon said that Leigh's chances of living a meaningful life from this point on are zero to none.
Hug everyone you love, because at any second they could fall over dead.

About eleven years ago, Rob called me from San Francisco to tell me that he had fallen in love. His cousin from Oklahoma had come for a visit and. brought her friend, Leigh.
It happened fast.
He said, “Mom, when I look at her, I feel like I’m going to vomit.”

He always did have a way with words.

They were married on June 24th, on Richard’s and my thirtieth wedding anniversary. They spent the next ten years mostly unaware that there were other people in the world. They never made it past that “puppy stage.” They did everything together, and I mean everything. Rob couldn’t read if Leigh wasn’t reading. He couldn’t sleep if Leigh wasn’t in bed with him. He couldn’t work if Leigh wasn’t working with him.

Yesterday they took Leigh off of life support. After about an hour she began to change. She doesn’t look like herself. She gets older by the minute. She’s living the rest of her life quickly.

I hope for today, she stays away from the light; just until after midnight.
Today is Rob’s thirty-seventh birthday.

I Had Only Known
Reba McIntyre
If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known

The doctors think Leigh has a virus in her heart. Her cardiologist thinks that her youth and strength was a bad thing before she went down, because she compensated when she should have just lay down and said, “I am sick.” He said her youth and strength is a good thing now because it will help her to get better.
Tests have shown that she has damage to her brain from oxygen deprivation. Even though Rob was there to give her CPR, that will only provide 50% at best, of the needed oxygen to the brain. Her heart is only pumping 10% right now and it is enlarged enough to take up half of her chest. The outlook is grim.
Today when the respiratory nurse gave her her treatment, she opened her eyes a bit. She does not like the “treatment.” We take that as a good sign. Rob saw her look at him. I felt her press down with her hand that I was holding. We are clinging to any thread of hope. This is better than it was on Wednesday night when we were all feeling hopeless.
The nurses and doctors have made her their “Special Case” at the hospital. They have a meeting each Thursday and one of the things they do is discuss and choose a patient upon whom to focus their attention and prayers. The people there are wonderfully attentive and helpful.
When I went into her room in the ICU on Wednesday night, I told the attending nurse that Leigh was a special lady. I told her that she was brave and strong, and that she has bungee-jumped out of a hot air balloon, climbed up the back side of Half Dome, she flies planes, and climbs ice glaciers and is my son’s life. I wanted her to know that we had to make her get well. The nurse stood at the foot of Leigh’s bed ALL night long when she wasn’t attending to her.
Stood there.
Leigh has had over a dozen family members hovering over her since she was admitted to the hospital. All of us are in shock and disbelief. We have been on a gut level need here. Your prayers and love humble all of us.

Wedding Song

Mike, who has the video of Rob and Leigh's wedding, has just informed us that this is the song that Leigh had chosen for their first dance as man and wife.
We hadn't really noticed since it was such a hectic and emotional day.
Did she know something that no one else did?

Robbie Williams - Feel Lyrics
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given

I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I don't want to die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I cannot give it up

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste

I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place

Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand

She contacted several of her sorority sisters and friends a couple of weeks before she died, too.

Remembering and Songs

Leigh continues to breathe and her heart keeps beating. Last night, just after we got home from the hospital, they called us back because she “took a turn” but no.
My report today is on me.
We keep reminding ourselves that everyone has his or her own way to get through the grieving situation, and that anything and everything is acceptable.
Apparently, my way of grieving is to find every sad song or poem that has ever been written and sit and read or listen to them and cry.
Look up the words to “Fire and Rain” and remember that James Taylor wrote them after he lost his wife in a plane crash, when his friends were flying her to where he was performing to surprise him on his birthday.
Surprise. Happy Birthday.
Go to http://www.ladyjayes.com/flylittlewing.html and listen to the song.
The world is full of sadness and I’m wallowing in it.
I just pulled out my copy of The Prophet that Gail Stephens gave me in 1964. In the Joy and Sorrow chapter, he says,
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” And
“When you are sorrowful look into your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which had been your delight.”
Leigh was our delight. I have honestly tried to think of something disagreeable about her, since I think it’s silly the way people raise those who have passed into sainthood, simply because they are dead, but honestly, Leigh was always agreeable.
Rob says her favorite word was “yes” and she always went along with all of his cockamaimie ideas, even if it was to come over to our house, shut off the motor to the ATV, coast down to our garage and steal beer or firewood.

…And the Prophet said, “And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.”
…And I say that sometimes the selfsame well is oftentimes filled with them both at once.
For example: Barb, John, and I were sitting just outside of the ICU crying and an orderly deposited an old man in the hallway right in front of us. He had moles and warts over every inch of his skin. I suddenly thought of Larry, the Cable Guy, and his sister. You know, the one with moles all over her face? I went immediately from crying into hysterical laughter. I got up and ran off to the outside patio with Barb following close behind. A nurse came by and asked John, “Are they OK?” He answered very seriously, “No, and actually they never have been.”
Still Wallowing, but sometimes not.

Keep Me In Your Heart

Shadows are falling and I’m running out of breath.
Keep me in your heart for a while.

If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less.
Keep me in your heart for a while.

When you get up in the morning
and you see that crazy sun,
Keep me in your heart for a while.

There’s a train leaving nightly called
“When all is said and done”
Keep me in your heart for a while.

Sometimes when you’re doing
Simple things around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile.
You know I’m tied to you like the
buttons on your blouse.
Keep me in your heart for a while.

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams.
Touch me as I fall into view.
When the winter comes, keep the fires lit,
And I will be right next to you.

Engine driver’s headed north to Pleasant Stream.
Keep me in your heart for a while.
These wheels keep turning but they’re running out of steam.
Keep me in your heart for a while.

(Beautiful song;
Written by Warren Zevon, as he was losing his battle with cancer.)

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

This is Celine Dion's song.
Don'T actually know who wrote it

Stories

Today when I was with Leigh, I was helping the nurse, Kelly, change her bedding and I held Leigh on her side while she bathed her. I rubbed her back. While we did this, I told Kelly that she and Rob had been on many great adventures together. While I told her about some of them I looked into Leigh’s eyes. She looked back into mine. Now and then they wandered off, but they came back to my eyes.
I told Kelly about a time when they took a sailing vacation in the Sea of Cortez and ended up at one point in the middle of a pod of Grey Whales. Rob was holding the video camera. You could hear the great rush of air coming from their blowholes as they surfaced all around them. They seemed curious as they swam around the boat (that suddenly seemed small.) It was magical and hearing Rob’s and Leigh’s expressions of awe in the video, made it even more so. Suddenly, two huge whales swam out from the starboard side to points about one hundred yards away, turned toward each other at the same instant, as if they were performing some choreographed dance. They swam toward each other and when they were nose to nose, they gracefully turned toward the boat. At a great speed, they swam straight for the boat. The camera showed a view of the deck, the sky, and feet and arms as they hurried to the other side of the boat. (As if that could have saved them from tons of whales!) Just as the whales got to their boat they dove under them. The boat rocked in a mighty way. Rob and Leigh’s exclamations were priceless.
The whales were playing with them.
On the same vacation dolphins swam in their bow wake. At one point they were in a sea of feeding dolphins. As far as they could see, in all directions, there were dolphins splashing on the top of the water. How many people get to see such sights?

They were both excellent sailors. On another sailing vacation, they were in the Virgin Islands and just off St. Kitts, they got in a violent storm where waves rivaled the ones in “The Perfect Storm.” I am so glad I did not hear about this one until they were home safely.
The whole time I told Kelly about these adventures Leigh looked into my eyes as if she were remembering. Can it be true? Dear God, let it be so.

Haircut

Today we put Leigh’s thick hair into seven ponytails all around her head, and with the help of a wonderful nurse named Debbie, who used to be a be a beautician, we cut them off above the band that held them. Barbie is taking six of the little banded tails to a “Locks of Love” participant in Folsom. The seventh is for Rob to keep. We fixed her hair up all cute and now she looks a bit like Annette Bening.
The thought that some child, who lost her hair to chemo treatment, will wear Leigh’s hair is comforting.
There is a new turn of events. The SWAT team has dispersed. Apparently one of Leigh’s MRI’s showed a marker for West Nile. Everything is on hold for the time it will take for the results of a spinal fluid test to return. If she has had that disease, whether it was the cause of her heart failure or not, they can’t transplant any of her organs. I don’t know about her tissues, bone marrow, or corneas.
Meanwhile, oddly enough, life goes on around us. It is so strange to see people going on with the mundane chores and details of living. The seemingly ordinary keeps us sane.

Note that went to Locks of Love along with her hair

Leigh, The Brave

This hair comes from a lady who was strong and brave and kind and good. We cut it from her as her respirator hissed and hummed. We knew she would want us to give it to you. She was 34 years old. Her name was Leigh Merritt Hardy Guinn.

We called her brave because she lived her life completely. She didn’t say no to any adventure. She bungee-jumped from a hot air balloon, she climbed mountains, she climbed glaciers, she flew planes, and she sailed the seas. She also loved her Bobby completely.

Leigh and Bobby had ten intense and amazing years together. They traveled all around the world and had awesome experiences together. Once on a sailboat in the sea of Cortez, they found themselves in the midst of a pod of whales. The whales swam around and under their boat as if they were playing with them.

Another time as they sailed, dolphins swam in their bow wake. Another time, in the Caribbean, they sailed through a “Perfect Storm.”

They had such adventures together. For Christmas one year, Bobby gave her a ride in a fighter jet. The pilot did loops and dives and rolls! She loved that and made sure she didn’t barf until they had landed. Not long after that, Leigh took stunt-flying lessons, just to make her self become a safer pilot.

Just so you don’t think she wasn’t tender, she never said anything bad about anyone, she always wanted to help people, and she loved animals, (She and Bobby always slept with their three dogs.) She had pet goats and horses and kitties. She was always gentle, yet had a cutting-edge sense of humor.

So, as you can see, this is not just your ordinary hair. This is the hair of an angel. A very brave angel. Lynn Guinn
11427 Angler Ave.
Whitmore, CA 96096

Obituary

Leigh (Hardy) Guinn

Leigh (Hardy) Guinn left this life on October 16, 2005, at the age of 34 in Redding, CA. She graduated from Deer Creek High School and the University of Oklahoma where she was a member of the Tri-Delt sorority. In the last few years, Leigh had obtained her Pilot's License and loved to fly. She recently received her instrument rating and completed her 300th hour of flight time with the intention of becoming a volunteer pilot for Angel Flight. Her smile was infectious and touched all who knew her. She will be greatly missed. She was preceded in death by her Grandfathers, Les Hardy Sr. and Ed Davis. Leigh is survived by her husband Robert; grandmothers Betty Hardy and Patty Davis; mother Harriett Hardy; father Les Hardy Jr. and his wife Rachel; brother William 'Dewey' Hardy, his wife Amber and their daughter Stella; parents-in-law Richard and Lynn Guinn, formerly of Ada, OK. She is also survived by sister-inlaw Martie Nicholls, numerous aunts, uncles and cousins. Services for family will be held in Whitmore, CA. In lieu of flowers, a $35 donation to the Whitmore Community Center will purchase a brick in Leigh Guinn's name. The message on the brick can be two lines with 16 characters per line. Include your name, address, phone number and a check to: Whitmore Community Center, PO Box 287, Whitmore, CA 96096.
Published in The Oklahoman on 11/6/2005.
Guest Book • Flowers • Charities

Rob's Email

I am very sorry to be the bearer of the saddest of news, but Leigh's
remaining days on the earth are now being counted in hours. Please continue
to pray and think of her. She is not in pain, she is surrounded by family,
and we are all saying our goodbyes.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I was a very lucky man. By random chance, I found a buddy for life, to be
my wife, who was so very good to me.

I could go on and on about this, but I will share just one example. I am an
insomniac. Before I met Leigh, there where one or two nights each week
where I did not sleep at all and every night I struggled to fall asleep.
Insomnia is a very lonely business because you know everyone else in the
world is sleeping while you lay awake. It feeds on the anxiety of being the
only person awake and the anxiety then ends up keeping you up all night.

Leigh had a trick to fix my insomnia. She told me, every night for 10
years, that she would wait for me to fall asleep first, no matter what. She
would make a big show of it, declare that she was not at all tired, prop
herself up in bed with pillows and read a book. On the nights that it took
me hours to fall asleep, she would be right there with me pretending to not
be tired. Most nights, just the knowledge that I was not the last person to
fall asleep in the world or the only person awake was enough to put my mind
at ease and I eventually found it very easy to fall asleep. This was a
selfless gift to me from Leigh; one of many.

Last night, her mother, father, brother and I waited in her room for her to
die. Her condition had been worsening and her breathing was labored. Fluid
was quickly filling her lungs and her temperature was extremely high.

Yet, she persisted.

I stepped out at around 2AM with Leigh's brother to take someone in the
waiting room home, and her mother and father who were sitting in her room
dozed off momentarily... she saw that her work was done and she let herself
go to sleep one last time.

The hospital has recommended an autopsy so her body will be traveling to the
coroner's office. From there she will be sent to a mortuary where her
remains will be cremated per her wishes. She did not tell me what to do
with them, so I'm just going to keep them near

A

Leigh’s Memorial Party

On Saturday, November 12th the sun was shining in a sapphire blue sky as people drove down Rob’s driveway. Harriett and I (Leigh’s moms) had draped the fence on both sides of the drive with wide yellow ribbon, accented with white floral sprays at the apex of each drape. The guests were greeted at the upper pasture-turned-parking-lot, by Richard and John, who parked their cars, and directed them to the kegs of flavored beer. This wasn’t going to be your ordinary memorial service.
Rob had rented a huge white tent and fifteen round tables and had them set up in the lower pasture. Recent rains had given us a carpet of new grass to grace the floor. Rachel Hardy, Leigh’s step-mom, beautifully decorated the tables with flower arrangements and candles, using fall colors. There was a table at the entrance with coffee service and about a dozen different types of wine and wine glasses.
We had filled a hundred helium balloons and tied them to the entrance to the tent. We also had 34 numbered white balloons to represent each year of Leigh’s life.
Outside the tent were a long table, a barrel barbeque, and a tripod holding a huge black cauldron of beans cooking over an open fire.
The service started with a slide show of Leigh and Sarah McGlaughlin singing “I Will Remember You.” Then while the extensive slide show continued, Rob talked about Leigh’s life and escapades. His talk was sprinkled with letters from others, and flying jargon, and funny things that had happened throughout their ten-year time together. He had us laughing and crying, sometimes both at once.
He ended by reminding us that we were here to send her off each in our own way. Then he said slowly, through his tears,

“Angel Flight N624LG, runway 34, straight-out departure approved, cleared for takeoff. Have a nice flight, Baby Girl.”

Then he played the song that they danced their first dance as man and wife to, “Nothing Lasts For Long” by The Samples. Leigh was psychic.

We all had a turn speaking after that. He played “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor, “Fields of Gold” by Eva Cassidy, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by IZ Kamakawiwo’ole, and “The Sweetest Thing” by U2, interspersed between people’ talks.
Father Art, the Episcopal chaplain from the hospital did a little service, and then we released the balloons. As they rose into the sky, a jet flew directly overhead, leaving a trail of white smoke above the balloons. It was magical.
Leigh’s flight instructor then did a few very low fly-overs. Everyone in attendance pronounced the whole thing glorious. Then we ate, drank and tried so hard to be merry.

Now comes the hard part.

Lynn Read

High Flight (Paraphrased)
John Gillespie Magee, Jr.
Oh, she often slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward she climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds — and done a hundred things you and I have not dreamed of

She wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence.
There, she chased the shouting wind along, and flung her eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue,
she topped the windswept heights with easy grace
where never lark, or even eagle flew.
And, now with silent, lifting mind she trods the high,
untrespassed sanctity of space,
Puts out her hand, and touches the face of God.

Thank you all for coming today to celebrate Leigh’s life and to say goodbye. I’m looking around the room and I am so happy that she had so many fans and grateful that all of you took this time from your lives to sit and visit with me and talk about Leigh. There are friends and family here today from Michigan, Oklahoma, Arizona, Southern California, Sacramento, San Francisco, Redding, and other places and of course friends from our community here in Whitmore.

She was something else. I think everyone Leigh came in contact with was touched by her and hurts for having known her and lost her. I’m the lucky one here today. I got to be with her more than anyone else.

Leigh and I first met in 1989. We had a brief fling that ended after a few weeks. There is a story behind that but Leigh made me promise not to tell it again.

In September of 1994, Leigh came back into my life. I was living in San Francisco at the time and she was living in Denver. I was so excited to see her again that when the day came to go pick her up from the airport, I opened the garage door, jumped in my truck and backed out without closing the door. I folded it backwards against the truck, taking a little of the garage with me. I grabbed some rope and tied the door to the truck and sped off to get her. This time around, we dated for 5 days before getting engaged. We where married on June 24th of 1995 in Scottsdale Arizona. There are people here today that were there that day and I want you to know that between June 24th 1995 and September 21st 2005, Leigh and I where the happiest two people we ever met.

Leigh and I spent every moment together. We woke up together, planned our days together, worked together, played hooky together, shared our evenings with each other and slept together. We spent all our time together. People who we were close with thought we must be very odd to want to spend that much time together. When we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary 5 months ago, I told her thank you for the best 25 years of marriage a boy could ever ask for. Whenever we were out together and I’d meet someone new, I’d love to point over to her and say “that’s my wife”.

During the days that she was in a coma in the hospital and the days since her death, I’ve been telling stories about her to who ever will listen. Every time I tell a story, I bring her back for a few more minutes. Today I want to do that again. I want to bring her back to life a little bit for everyone here and for me, so we can tell her goodbye.

So with that said, I want to tell a few stories about Leigh. I want everyone to know how TALENTED, how FUNNY, how BRAVE and how STRONG my wife was.

Leigh was talented:

The DAY AFTER Leigh completed her instrument flight training, and I want to repeat that this was 1 DAY AFTER, she flew me into an airport in the heavily congested San Francisco Bay Area. The field, San Carlos, is just south of San Francisco International Airport. As we approached and the clouds started building on the horizon, I got a little nervous. Leigh proceeded on, working with air traffic control, lined us up for a GPS approach, dropped into the clouds and brought us into San Carlos like she’d been doing it all her life. She smiled at me and said: “Don’t worry Bobby, I’ll let you fly MY airplane when it’s pretty outside”. I was so proud of her. We went to a meeting that morning at our office in The City and left early that afternoon. The cloud cover persisted. Leigh did a pre-flight for the airplane and phoned up Flight Services and filed and Instrument Flight Rules Plan. She taxied the airplane over to the run-up area and the controller said he had her clearance for her when she was ready to copy. She affirmed she was ready and the controller said:

Cessna 6173Q you cleared to the Redding airport. On departure fly runway heading until passing the diamond shaped waterway then turn right heading 120 within 2
miles of the airport.

Radar vectors ALTAM, Victor 334, Sacramento then as filed.

Maintain VFR at or below 1100' until crossing the Oakland 165 degree radial then climb to 2000'.

Expect 5000' five minutes after departure.

Departure frequency will be 125.35.

Squawk 3562.

My eyes bugged out a bit and I turned to her with a look on my face that said it’s OK with me, I understand, lets go get a hotel room and wait for the weather to get better, don’t worry, I’ll take care of it, I’ll get us out of here… Then I realized she was looking at me with an all together different look on her face that said “Watch this.”:

San Carlos Tower, 6173Q is cleared RDD. Runway heading until passing the diamond shaped waterway, right turn to 120 within 2 of the airport.

vectors to ALTAM, Victor 334, Sac as filed.

Maintain VFR at or below 1100' until Oakland 165 climb to 2000'.

Expect 5000' five after.

125.35.

Squaking 3562 on the transponder.

She cocked her head and smiled at me, got her take off clearance and shot up into the clouds and took me home. I was so turned on by her that day.

Leigh was funny:

Leigh had a wicked sense of humor. Usually I was the one poking at her, prodding her making her laugh. I loved to do that. But every now and then Leigh would show me the little black funny part of her heart. We were over at my parent’s house having dinner and I was giving Leigh my usual razzing about something. My Mom, who always took her side, was exasperated with me and asked Leigh why she stayed with me. Without missing a beat, Leigh said: “Because my half is not big enough yet”. I laughed about that, but I also wondered about it too. I had to be careful and treat Leigh right.

Leigh was brave:

Sailing in St. Lucia, with Leigh with our good friends Les and Rachel, I made a string of poor decisions the resulted in getting us all caught in a full blown gale off shore about 100 miles north of Grenada in the southern Caribbean island chain making a passage between St. Lucia and St Vincent. We did not make it to our destination. While it is an exciting, harrowing and life-threatening story, it’s a story for another day. After we found shelter, Leigh and I talked about how the boat was not ours, this was only a vacation and there was no sense in risking our lives again to try and sail it back through that to get the yacht back. Leigh’s Father and his wife had already caught a flight back and where sitting at a resort in St. Lucia sipping margaritas. It would have been an easy enough thing to do to go and join them. We waited three days, the storm still raged, but I started to feel like a real dick. What kind of sailor was I to abandon my ship? I broke down and asked Leigh what she would think about heading back out to sea. I expected her to tell me to shove it up my arse. Instead, she responded by saying that this boat was equipped with safety harness and jack lines to strap us to the deck in case it flipped over in the big seas. I not sure if I could have loved that girl more at that moment. She was so brave. Many people don’t know this about Leigh but she is afraid of water. So you can imagine the courage she had, to be willing to go back into that boiling sea knowing first hand what it would be like. We sailed that boat back, just the two of us, strapped tight to the deck.

Leigh was strong:

Leigh and I packed into the backcountry for 5 days in Yosemite to go climb Half Dome and hike into the upper valley to try to reach the high mountain lake, Harriett. We had a destination picked out that had bear cables strung up between trees so we could raise our food up in the air to prevent getting eaten in our tent. After hiking in the first day, climbing steep trails, scrambling up granite boulders with a heavy pack on my back in 90 degree weather, I was done. We had not made it to our first nights destination yet, but the heat, the weight and all the climbing had got to me. My blood sugar was wrong, I was losing too much water, I felt dizzy and like I was going to puke and I just could not take another step. Leigh was blazing the trail in front of me. I dropped my pack on the ground and said I will not go another step. I can’t do it. Leigh walked back to me and said “Leave you pack here, follow me to the site and once we get there I’ll come back and hike your pack in”. She was serious. I put my pack back on, stopped my whining and went back to following her. Once we got to the bear cables she told me what a good boy I was.

So many people have expressed their sadness, shock and grief to me. They have also expressed their love for Leigh and their offers of help and encouragement. I have felt surrounded by the love of friends and family to the point where the grief I feel for losing Leigh has been met by an equal amount of love and support.

I have received so many letters, emails, cards and phone calls. I want to share some of those with you. I think the expressions of love that have been made in Leigh’s honor speak to her immense character and her capacity to bring happiness to others.

I want to read the following letter from one of her college friends from Oklahoma University.

For Leigh,

Among all of the images and memories that stand out from our college years, probably the most prominent is a box of half-eaten chocolates. I remember sitting on a strange couch, in a strange apartment, with my partners in crime—Leigh and Tiffini—with a beautifully wrapped box of chocolates sitting on the coffee table in front of us. We proceeded to take a single bite out of every piece of chocolate in that box, then carefully packaged it back up. Innocent enough stuff, that’s for sure—yet it would send us into a fit of giggles later when we thought about the person’s reaction that discovered our prank. Leigh was that kind of friend--the one who would always join you for a beer at 2am when you were feeling restless or bored; who was always up for a road trip, no matter how uninspired, or unknown, the destination; who was always willing to forgo a night of studying during finals to watch Silence of the Lambs for the 45th time. It wasn’t that she was irresponsible; but that she would never, ever wonder “what if…”

And with her death, Leigh has emboldened each of us who knew her and loved her. Because she lived a life with no regrets—a truly and fully lived life, she challenges each of us to do the same. To realize forgotten dreams, to get back in touch with long ago friends, to forgive old hurts and wrongs. We’ve begun to think, once again, about who we should be and how we should be living our lives. To witness Leigh’s too short--but big, vivid--life inspires us to do what Leigh would do, what she would want each of us to do. Our lives were enriched and deepened by having Leigh in them, now they will be all the more memorable for her continued impact on them.

With much love & gratitude,

Heather Haines

I share Heathers sentiment about Leigh. Two days before she had her heart attack and blinked out of our lives, Leigh and I snuck over to my father’s house. We rode our ATV over to the top of his hill, turned off the engine and lights and rolled down silently to his house. We relieved him of quite a bit of firewood, and then raced away. My father, who loved Leigh and still cannot believe that his angel would ever do him wrong, adamantly refuses to believe this. I told him: “Dad, all I had to do was say ‘want to go steal my father’s firewood and heat up the hot tub with it?’” Leigh’s response to almost every question was ‘Yes’. She was never the instigator, but always an eager and giddy co-conspirator. We’d steal his beer, his food, whatever was not chained down. One time after we got tired of listening to him fret over how pretty his brand new Ford F250 Diesel truck was, we waited until he had to go to town with my mother, walked over to his house and took it. It had been raining recently so we drove it up to some off road trails up near Kilarc and did donuts in the mud. I want to tell you Dad, that Leigh can get some wicked air when she’s behind the wheel. After covering the truck top to bottom mud, we put it right back where we got it, drank a six pack of beer and left the cans on the dash board and in the seat and then laughed our asses off on the walk home.

The following letter is from our very good friend Amy Copolla. Amy regretfully could not be here today. She lives in London and has 3-year-old twins to care for, but she sent me this:

Dear Rob,

I'm sorry that I haven't phoned, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to say the right things to you in real time.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you, of Leigh, and of what you might be going through. I really believed the whole time that she would recover.

Never did I imagine that this chapter of your life would close as it has.

I remember way back in 1994 when your cousin and Leigh came for a visit and how the only thing that I knew about Leigh is that she tried to kick out the windows of a taxi when you two where in Mexico. But the change in you from the moment that she stepped into your life again was so apparent. And not only did it show in your emotional behavior, but in your actions, as well. How many times had you backed out of our garage with*out* taking the garage doorframe with you?

I have talked with David about this, and he said that when you told him that you were going to marry her, he said, "yeah, right." But I told him that I knew that you would, that I could tell that you felt differently about Leigh.

And so you did. Thinking about your wedding and how I wasn't able to get back from the UK made me realize that I hadn't spent all that much time with Leigh... certainly not as much time as I would have wanted, yet I felt, and feel, really close to her. She was such a joy to be around. I don't know how she felt about me, but I always thought that when we move back to San Francisco, we would have spent more time together and that we could have become best friends. I’m so sad for this loss.
In the time that we did spend together, it was quite clear to me what a wonderful rapport you both had. It was symbiotic; synergetic; yin yang with a sense of humor. You may say that she never asked you for anything, but I think that you gave her everything she needed without her having to ask. You have more energy than any one I know. You gave her hope, security, love, and excitement. No one deserved her, Rob... except you. She is also lucky to have found you.

I pray that the love of your friends and family will help see you through each day. But most of all, I hope that you can draw strength from the memories of your happy and blessed life together. You seem to have perfect sense of what she would and would not want now, I'm sure that top on that list is for you to know that you are loved by your friends and family and we are here to support you. When the grieving has subsided, she'd want you to concentrate on being happy; to continue the good work, where she left off.

I would like to share the poem below with you, because it is how I would feel if I were in your place. It is easy to sympathize, but empathy is more difficult to experience in its true sense. No one knows exactly what you feel. But if I could know, please know that I would go there with you, so that you weren't alone in the days of your most intense grief.
Before I share it, I must give my most sincere apologies to its author, WH Auden, for my shameless editing. I think that it is a beautiful poem, but it lets me down. It's written by a man, for a man and it's bereft of hope. The curse of a (former) technical writer led me to rewrite it the way that I wanted it to be, before sharing it with you.

I love you and I am here for you as long as I am here.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let airplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message, She Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was not wrong.

Amy Copolla.

Leigh loved life. The saddest thing of all for me is that fact. If she was here right now, she would be so very sad that she’d seen her last sunset, kissed her dogs for the last time, drank her last glass of wine, fed her goats for the last time… She would want to live, and that life has been taken from her by a rare heart problem would make her so very sad. I’ve thought about that almost every day since September 21st. I’ve thought that if I ever let one of life’s little problems get to me like a broken water main, a muddy dog in the bed, a garden that won’t grow, the loss of a valuable employee, the loss of my business… any of these trivial little problems, then shame on me. Leigh would trade any annoyance to be here right now trying figure out how to right it. She loved life. So as a lasting tribute to her, I will remember that until the day I go to join her… never let life’s little problems upset me. I think that would be letting her down.
And so, now with great difficulty, it is time for me to say goodbye to Leigh. I am a better man for having known her and loved her. Her gifts to me are the ability to love completely and to carry on a calm, happy measured, full life. She left behind the foundation that we built together for me to live on. When we were married, she promised to spend the rest of her life with me. She kept her promise.
So, each of us have to say goodbye today in our on way.

Angel Flight N624LG, runway 34, straight-out departure approved, cleared for takeoff. Have a nice flight baby girl.

When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly. Patrick Overton

The family members have left to go back to their jobs and lives. It is very quiet today.

Quiet and sad.

I have made myself to do things that I think I would have been doing if this were a “Normal” day.
I have made my bed and tidied the kitchen. I got out some fall decorations to put up. (Once a schoolteacher, always a schoolteacher.) I realize that there will never be a normal day again. Like Martie says, we must find a new “normal” and cling to it.

Rob has the huge chore of living in a house that doesn’t have the proper amount of people in it. There is nothing that can compare with this chore. Nothing. There will be mail that comes with Leigh’s name on it. There will come the moment when he will have to take her toothbrush out of the holder. She won’t need it anymore.

People will drive up the driveway, but it won’t be Leigh. Someone will come in the door, but it won’t be Leigh.

There is a hole. I think it’s a black hole.

My poor little baby boy.

I am finally able to read and actually concentrate on what I am reading, so that’s a good sign. Thank you to those of you who inquired about my silence. I have been depressed and didn’t want to inflict it upon you.

I went to the post office on Tuesday and was overwhelmed at the number of bricks that have been purchased in Leigh’s name. Randy, the post guy, is too. He had them in a clump that was almost three inches thick. I went through them and blubbered and made a scene, of course. Thank you all so much for taking the time to send them in. I can feel the love from all of you. He will give the letters and cards to us when it is all over. Thank you also for your cards and emails. I don’t know how we would have made it through the last month without your love and prayers.

I am reading books about death and dying. Although that may sound morbid, it’s actually comforting. I have been sitting out on my deck in the beautiful fall weather. The humming birds buzz all around me. They sound like Jedi light sabers. Exactly. So I sit there with a light saber fight between Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader going on all around me and kitties climbing all over me trying to get me to put the book down and pet them. I have learned something new about cats. (Having never been a cat owner, [yeah, like you can OWN a cat], everything I learn about them is new.)
Here’s what I learned; If a person is sitting on one chair with her feet on another chair, and a cat decides to walk across the bridge that her legs are making, and that cat loses his balance and begins to fall, the most horrific thing happens to his little cottony-soft paws. These razor sharp talons come out and dig into the leg bridge, causing itchy pain. I had to pour a whole bottle of peroxide on the cuts to get them to stop itching.

I’m going to try to read the Tibetan Book of the Dead now. I hope my brain doesn’t explode.

Love

Leigh Nothing Lasts For Long